I am a giant question mark, as of late. Last night, when I wrote in my journal for the first time in a few weeks, I approached the task expecting that I would record all the rollercoaster emotions I’ve been experiencing lately. That I would write profusely about disappointments, frustrations, plans, and greater issues that gnaw at me constantly.
But nothing has answers right now, and that’s what I concluded before I really even got started with my planned rant. Right now, I have no idea what will happen with this or that. I have no idea when A, B, or — certainly — C will happen. When, what, where, how…
When I pose these questions to God, this time, I am given an immediate response, “wait and see.”
Wait and see. With a sense that the answers are on their way. Coming soon. Coming quickly. Like a train ride to an exciting destination. Like a wave in the distance. Like the thundering hooves of a herd on the move.
Names are funny things, don’t you think? My husband and I had a list of baby names we liked before I was ever pregnant. All with meaning, because meaning has always been important to us. However, when we looked back at the names of our children, we realized that the names we felt called to at the time of their arrival all had a deeper meaning than we could ever have assigned, by ourselves.
During my oldest son’s arrival, from pregnancy to about a year into his life, my husband and I journeyed from Christianity to Judaism. The meanings of my oldest’s two names are: God is gracious, God is salvation.
During the years before and after my middle child’s birth, my husband and I went through an extremely spiritually and emotionally challenging period — a period that broke us down and honed our life’s purpose. His name meanings are: God is my rock, God helps.
Throughout the pregnancy of my youngest until now, I learned how to find my inner peace and gratefulness, despite the world around me. During that pregnancy, we moved back to the land we call paradise, and found a home (or rather, the home found us) that has blessed us more than we could have planned for. My youngest’s names mean: praise, comfort.
So now, with a plethora of question marks in my head, I find myself pondering the answers that, I suppose, might be arriving soon. Whenever — and whatever — the case, I’ll just have to wait and see.